


A Boy's Best Friend...

by LulaMadison



Category: The Avengers (2012), Thor (2011)
Genre: Cake, Cookies, Kings & Queens, Loki Does London, Loki Does What He Wants, London, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, Pie, United Kingdom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-07
Updated: 2012-04-07
Packaged: 2017-11-03 05:10:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/377651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LulaMadison/pseuds/LulaMadison
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on <a href="http://norsekink.livejournal.com/7418.html?thread=14987258&#t14987258">this</a> prompt, and the subsequent comments, at norsekink:</p><p>"Frigga followed Odin out onto the bridge, and when she sees Loki let go of Gungnir promptly dives after him, because that's her baby. Now it's kinda hard to take over a realm when your mother is tagging along and baking pies..."</p><p>Oh, and Loki challenges the Queen of England to a duel...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Loki, no… NOOOOO!” Thor shouted as he watched his brother loosen his fingers on Gungnir, and slowly plummet into the void towards his death.

“No,” he heard his father gasp behind him, as the remains of the eddy left by the bifrost begin to swirl out of existence

There was another sound, _tip tap tip tap_ , of someone running in heeled shoes, then Thor watched as his mother dived elegantly from the end of the bifrost, headfirst into the vortex, and vanished.

 

  
*

  
  
As Loki stirred into consciousness he listened to the soothing sounds of his mother singing, then wondered when his bed had become so rough and uncomfortable and… _craggy_. His eyes snapped open and he sat up suddenly, regretting it when the world spun on its axis slightly.

“You are awake,” Frigga said. Then she picked up the hem of her dress, moistened it with her tongue, and wiped gently at a smudge of dirt on Loki’s cheek.

“What are you doing here?”

“Is a mother not allowed to join her son for an adventure? Or is that too unladylike?”

“No, but… I let myself fall…”

“And I jumped after you,” Frigga said brightly.

“That was incredibly dangerous mother, anything could-”

“Oh hush now, child,” she said. “What kind of mother would I be if I left you to fall alone?”

Loki faltered over his words for a moment, trying to think of a way to explain to his mother that he hadn't really cared if he lived or died when he let go, then looked around at his surroundings, and noted he was inside a cave. “Did you carry me in here?”

“You think me weak?” Frigga asked. “Tut _tut_ , Loki. You should not underestimate your mother so.”

“You aren't my mother,” he said. “You aren't my mother, and I am not your son.”

“And? You think it matters to me where you came from? You are my son, regardless of whether you sprang forth from between my legs or not.”

Loki screwed his face up slightly at the image that came to mind, and then repeated, “But I'm _not_ your son.”

“Oh Loki darling, your father was always bringing home stray children he found on battlefields. Most were later reclaimed, only you and Thor were not.”

“What?" Loki asked, completely stunned by her words. "Thor is not your child either?"

“Oh, no. Odin and I only had one child together, and he was named Balder. Someone took him during a battle. Never did find him again.”

Loki thought back over the events of the previous few days, suddenly feeling a slightly despondent and tearful. "I failed in everything I set out to do."

“I beg to differ,” Frigga said. “I told you to make your father proud. It is hardly your fault if he is too stupid to see that your actions were those of a king. He could never kill Laufey, but _you_ did. You made ME proud.”

“I-I did?” he asked, his voice faltering and tiny.

“You were always my favourite, Loki.” Frigga said, kneeling by his side, and running her hand comfortingly over his shoulder. “Thor may have brawn, but you have brain, and your intelligence would have made you a great king. The Aesir are fools for being so blind to your many talents.”

“What are we to do now?” he asked, feeling slightly cheered by the praise.

“You were born to be a king. We must find you a kingdom to rule.”

“I do not wish to go back to Asgard.”

“Oh _no_ …” Frigga frowned, “I would not wish to go back there either. They stifle you with their notions of what makes a warrior.”

“Jotunheim?” Loki asked.

“Too cold, and Jotunheim is beneath you. You deserve _far_ better,” Frigga said. She pondered for a moment and then said, “What about Midgard?”

“Midgard,” Loki said, and then thought for a moment. Last time he had been there it seemed a little dusty, but its inhabitants were like ants, the lowest sentient life forms in all the realms resided on Midgard, and they had no ruler. They were ripe for the taking. He smiled, and said, “Midgard would be perfect.”

  
  
  
*

  
  
  
When they arrived on Midgard, travelling through the tear in space left by the last bifrost activity, they found themselves in the dusty New Mexico desert. After teleporting to various cities, they eventually landed in Central Park in New York, and marvelled at the tall buildings that sprung up from behind the trees.

“I like this place,” Loki said.

“It's beautiful,” Frigga said, pointing at the horse and carriage on the far side of the park. “There is transport. We must ask that man to take us to a suitable location to rest.”

Loki teleported them next to the first empty carriage, they climbed inside, and he said, “Take us to the nearest palace.”

“Yes, your majesty,” the carriage driver said, then he told his horse to walk on.

“He knew you are a king?” Frigga asked.

“A simple mind control trick, mother,” Loki replied.

“You are very talented, darling,” Frigga said, smiling at him, and then she patted the back of his hand.

Loki smiled at her, and he felt a curious warmth in his chest. It had been a long time since anyone had ever praised anything he did, he was far more used to being told to shut up, or to know his place, which apparently was always second place, behind his brother.

Here on Midgard, he was second to no one, he was free to receive praise and his mothers love, and for the first time in an age he actually felt good. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny, but with a gentle fresh breeze, and Loki settled back into his seat to enjoy the pleasant journey, relishing the feel of his mothers soft hand closed over his.

 

  
  
When the carriage driver had dropped them off at The Palace Hotel, Loki had been marginally disappointed with the quality of palaces on Midgard. When they had been shown to the Royal Suite he decided he was wrong and their quarters were magnificent.

It had a beautiful entrance with columns and a statue, and a delicate mosaic on the floor. The bathroom was marble, with a bath that had golden taps, and something called a shower, which seemed as pointless as standing outside in the rain to get clean. The living room had wide windows, with stunning views, red velvet sofas and a thing called a television, which Loki deemed to be the most annoying creation he had ever seen.

“Oh yes,” Loki said, as he looked round. “I believe this will be adequate.”

“We should rest tonight and then tomorrow you can begin your takeover,” Frigga said, brushing Loki's hair behind his ear, and then kissing him on the cheek. “Goodnight darling.”

 

  
  
It had taken Loki three days to find a fellow king on Midgard. His name was Doom, and he ruled a small nation called Latveria, in the mountains of Eastern Europe. He had basic knowledge of sorcery, he could create mechanical men, and most importantly, he would make a great ally, simply because Loki knew he could sacrifice Doom to save himself, if the need ever arose.

Through Doom he found Norman Osborn, also known as the Green Goblin, a man Loki disliked immensely, since he laughed too much and had tendency to wear a shade of green that clashed with the green of Loki's cape. The Goblin had his uses though, he was another expendable who would no doubt come in useful, but more importantly he introduced Loki to Emma Frost, who in turn introduced him to Magneto.

Loki found Magneto fascinating. He wore a helmet, smiled like a shark, and seemed ruthless in his pursuit of victory. Sometimes at meetings Loki would sit and idly wonder what their children would look like, but he knew it was unlikely to happen, since Magneto seemed to be completely obsessed with someone named Charles, who he claimed to hate, but never shut up about. It would be a shame to sacrifice him, but Loki had bigger plans.

 

  
  
They sat round the large oak dining table, blueprints of a building lay in front them, and were loudly debating the best way to enter, when the door opened.

“I brought you and your little friends some beverages, Loki,” Frigga said as she entered the room with a tray.

“Mother!” Loki exclaimed. “We are trying to work!”

“Oh, nonsense Loki, it is time for afternoon tea,” Frigga said, then she smiled at Magneto and said, “Everyone works better after cake, wouldn't you agree Erik?”

“Yes Ma'am,” Magneto replied.

“Now Victor, would you like tea, or I have some juice in the kitchen if that is more to your liking?”

“Tea would be lovely, Lady Frigga.”

“Cream? Sugar?”

“No, thank you.”

“Very well,” Frigga said, placing a cup and saucer in front of him, and pouring him a cup of tea. “Would you like a slice of Lemon Drizzle cake, Victor? I learnt how to bake it today and it is delicious.”

Victor, Norman and Erik eagerly accepted their tea and cake, and then Frigga held out a slice on a plate to Loki.

“I don't want cake!” he shouted.

“All growing boys like cake, and I'm not leaving this room until you have at least a little bite.”

“All right, _all right_ I'll eat it,” Loki snapped angrily, snatching the plate, and then he took a bite of the cake. “Oh, that actually _is_ delicious.”

Frigga smiled at him, then leant over the table, and said, “I believe the best way into that building would be through the pantry… but what do I know? Enjoy your game, boys!”

“I apologise for my mothers intrusion,” Loki said, after Frigga had left the room.

“Don't worry about it,” Magneto said. “She makes great cake.”

 

 

  
  
They had entered the White House through the pantry and moved swiftly through the kitchens, with the intention of a show of strength, to show the world that they could enter anywhere they pleased, and could not be stopped, but the whole thing was an unmitigated disaster. They fled back to Loki’s hotel, and the recriminations had begun.

“How was I supposed to know they would show up?” Magneto shouted.

“You are a pitiful excuse for a villain!” Loki raged.

“Keep talking like that and I’ll crush that helmet into your skull.”

“Just you try it, and I’ll flay the flesh from your bones before you can so much as dent it!”

“Boys! Boys!” Frigga said, entering the room with a tray, which she placed on the table “Indoor voices, please! There is no need for such anger. Now, who would like pie? It’s cherry.”

“This is no time for your interruptions mother!” Loki shouted.

“I’d like pie,” Doom said quietly, from the corner of the room.

“Excellent, Victor,” she replied, cutting him a generous helping. “Now, why don’t you tell me what happened?”

“These imbeciles failed to inform me that there were other individuals who possess powers, who would attempt to thwart our plans,” Loki shouted.

“Oh Loki, you have been injured,” Frigga said, picking up a napkin, which she dipped in warm water from the teapot, and then dabbed at the dried blood under Loki’s nose.

“Stop fussing, mother. It’s nothing,” he said, shooing her hand away.

“Someone made my baby boy bleed,” She said. “I hardly think that counts as nothing. Tell your mother what happened.”

“A man appeared in a red, white, and blue suit. He took me by surprise, and hit me in the face with what appeared to be a shield.”

“Oh my poor darling, give your mother a hug,” she said, then wrapped her arms around him. At first Loki accepted the hug gratefully, but then pulled away when he saw Osborn grinning at him like a Cheshire cat. “You must not give up hope. None of you must give up hope. You must plan another attack immediately and defeat your enemies!”

“Yes,” Loki said. “We must begin at once.”

“Yes!” Frigga said, happily. “Now, who would like some pie?”

 

  
  
  
Their second attack had not gone well. Doom had planned to use an army of mechanical men to invade a heavily populated area and take people hostage until their demands were met, but their enemies had shown up and thwarted their plans again.

They had learned that they were known as The Avengers from the television box, one was known as Iron Man, two smaller individuals were named Hawkeye and Black Widow, and there was one from the past, who had recently been found in the Arctic and thawed out.

  
  
“That’s the one who hit me in the face!” Loki had said when he saw Captain America giving a press conference on TV.

“That one?” Frigga asked, “But he seems such a polite and handsome boy. Are you sure you aren’t mistaking him for someone else.”

“How many men are there running round the city in red, white and blue pyjamas, mother? I’m sure it was him.”

“Well he is a very naughty boy then,” Frigga had said. “I’m sure you will have your revenge next time you encounter him.”

  
  
Except Loki didn’t get his revenge, and shortly after throwing Iron Man through a storefront window, Captain America appeared and hit Loki in the arse with his shield, which he had thrown from 10 metres away.

The blow caused Loki to collapse, temporarily losing control of his legs as the nerves in his lower spine went haywire, and he rolled himself over to face the approaching Captain America as he waited for his magic to heal him.

“My mother said you’re a naughty boy,” Loki told him. "She will be very upset if you injure me further."

Before Cap had a chance to react Loki teleported himself to the roof of a nearby apartment block, and watched as Iron Man emitted some kind of energy pulse which caused all of Doom’s mechanical men to shudder, then collapse. Loki rolled onto his back, and sighed heavily at the thought of being defeated again.

 

  
  
  
Loki sulked on the rooftop for an hour, watching a crew in the street below sweep up the shattered remains of Doom's mechanical men, and place them in huge black trucks with the emblem of a bird on the side of them.

He teleported himself back to the hotel, then entered the living room grandly, but was disturbed to find Doom sat on his mother's knee, very clearly looking down her flimsy dress.

“MOTHER!” he shrieked. “What is the meaning of this?”

“Victor’s Doombots were all destroyed by your enemies, darling,” Frigga said, as Doom stole a cheeky glance in Loki’s direction, and then looked down Frigga’s dress again. “He had worked on them for months. He needed cheering up.”

“You are cheering him by showing him your bosoms?”

“Loki! That is very rude of you! I was giving him a hug. All boys need a hug from time to time.”

Loki knew that under his mask Doom was grinning at him, he squeaked in frustration then walked out of the room slamming the door behind him.

 

  
*

  
  
 They held another meeting to discuss future targets and dissect exactly what had gone wrong on their previous attacks, and had all decided that the only thing that stood in their way on the path to world domination was The Avengers. The television box was kind enough to disclose that their secret hideaway was Stark Tower, and a plan was formulated to wipe out their enemies, to attack them during the night, while they slept in their beds.

After the meeting Magneto and Doom had left quickly, but Norman Osborn stayed, claiming he wanted to discuss tactics further, and had poured two glasses of wine, then sat next to Loki on the sofa.

“You wish to discuss the attack?” Loki asked as Norman handed him the glass of wine.

“I want to talk about what happens after the attack,” Norman said, edging closer. “You and I, we would make a magnificent team. We don’t need Doom & Magneto; they are disposable, and weak. Imagine a world where you and I rule _together_.”

Loki thought about it for a moment and decided he couldn’t possibly imagine _anything_ worse, but then was shocked when Norman leaned closer and kissed him.

“We would make a great partnership,” Norman said when he pulled away, and then he took Loki’s glass, and placed it, with his own, on the table.

“Your proposal is _interesting_ ,” Loki said, as Norman leaned in again. At first Loki was hesitant, he let the other man lead the way, then opened his mouth when Norman probed his lips with his tongue. The kiss deepened, as Norman pushed Loki back onto the sofa and leaned across his body, then ran his hand down to Loki’s crotch.

“I made you boys some hot chocolate!” Frigga announced as she brightly stepped into the room, carrying a tray. “Drink it while it’s still steaming.”

Loki pushed Norman away roughly, then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, and said, “Mother! Must you intrude when I am discussing urgent matters?”

“Oh, I’m sorry darling,” Frigga said, placing the tray on the table. “It’s just that it is awfully late, and I know you like your hot chocolate before bed. I have miniature marshmallows!”

“Yes,” Loki said. “It is rather late. Perhaps we should discuss this matter in the morning.”

“I could stay over,” Norman suggested, raising a hopeful eyebrow.

“That will not be necessary,” Loki replied. “I am tired. You should leave now.”

Norman stood up, feeling like he wanted to throw Loki against a wall and smash his skull to pieces for denying him, then he turned to Frigga and gently kissed her hand, “Thank you for your hospitality, Lady Frigga. It’s always a pleasure.”

“Why, thank you Norman. Good evening,” she said. After he left the room she said, “He’s such a nice, polite boy.”

“If you will excuse me mother, I would like to get some fresh air before bed,” Loki said, picking up a handful of marshmallows and scattering them into his cup.

“Of course, darling," Frigga said giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Sleep well.”

Loki moved out onto the balcony, blew on his cup of hot chocolate as he looked out over the bright city skyline, and contemplated what it would be like to rule such a place. He noticed a movement in the shadows out of the corner of his eye, then turned to see a man, dressed all in skin-tight red, sitting in the darkness. His face was covered in a red mask, and two diamonds of black surrounded his eyes.

“Hey,” Deadpool said.

“Who are you and what are you doing on my balcony?” Loki snapped, furious at the intrusion.

“I heard your mom gives the _best_ hugs.”

“If you are here to look down her cleavage you are wasting your time.”

“Damn...” he said. “Hey, I have a rash. Wanna see it?”

“No, I do not!”

“Oh, shame,” Deadpool replied. “You look nice. Wanna fool around?”

“Fool around?” Loki asked. “I may be the god of mischief, but I am no fool.”

Deadpool blinked at him for a second, and then decided that being straightforward was probably the best idea, and said, “You wanna fuck?”

“I most certainly do not!” Loki shrieked. “Get off my balcony before I throw you off, you insolent wretch!”

“Is that vein in your forehead meant to be throbbing like that?” Deadpool asked, and then watched as Loki went back inside, slamming the door loudly behind him.

  
  
  
*

  
  
  
The attack on Stark Tower needed careful planning. Loki was determined that they cover every single eventuality, think of anything that might go wrong, and develop contingency plans.

The night before the attack Magneto had stayed behind, to discuss tactics, but had spent most of the time talking about Charles.

“He abandoned me,” he fumed. “All I did was accidentally get him shot in the back, and he left me, just because he cares for the pathetic humans more than he cares for me.”

“Yes, yes, the pathetic humans,” Loki said, rubbing his forehead, and getting tired of the constant moaning. “It’s hardly your fault he has to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.”

“Exactly,” Magneto said. “I’ll make a plan to win him back. I shall-”

Loki could stand the complaining no longer, so instead threw himself on Magneto and kissed him.

“Are you thinking about Charles now?” Loki asked, when they parted.

“Charles who?” Magneto asked with a grin, then threaded his fingers into Loki’s hair, and pulled him back down into another breathless kiss.

Loki wanted him, wanted him badly, and had ever since had heard that delightful accent of his. He was forced backwards on the sofa, until Magneto was on top of him, grinding their crotches together.

“You are wearing far too much clothing,” Magneto said. “I want to touch you, but I don’t know where to start.”

“Consider it like unwrapping a gift,” Loki said, with a grin.

He looked around for a moment, hoping to find buckles or catches, or some way of getting Loki’s tunic off, then he pushed it up, and grinned when he found the laces that held his trousers closed.

Loki held his breath and felt his heart start to hammer in his chest as Magneto teasingly began to pull on one end of the bow. The knot unfurled slowly, one loop at a time, and his trousers loosened, exposing the pale flesh and a small amount of dark hair.

Magneto moved his head lower, then slowly dragged his tongue down Loki’s stomach till it reached the hair, then he was suddenly flung across the room in a shower of green sparks, hitting the wall on the other side and landing in heap on the floor.

“What the hell did you do that for?” he shrieked.

“I’m sorry,” Loki said, quickly fastening his trousers back up, and before Magneto could respond the door opened.

“I baked cookies,” Frigga said, in a singsong voice. “I thought you boys would like to try my first batch.”

“I would love to Lady Frigga,” Magneto said, “But it is time I was leaving.”

“Won’t you take one,” she asked. “You can eat it on your journey home.”

Magneto smiled as she held out the tray to him. He took a cookie, then bit into it, “Delicious, as always.” He bowed slightly to her, then left the room without giving Loki a second a glance.

Frigga placed the tray on the table, and then sat next to Loki on the sofa.

“Would you like a cookie, darling?” she asked. “You look like you need one.”

“Mother,” Loki said, throwing himself into her arms and weeping.

“Oh hush, baby,” Frigga said, as she gently stroked his hair. “Everything will be all right. Tell me what happened.”

“I’m so glad you are here,” Loki whimpered through his tears. “It was awful. I wanted him to touch me and when he did I was so scared.”

“You are so young, Loki,” she said. “Far too young to be dealing with the physical side of love, especially without the spiritual side first.”

“Thor is not much older than me and he has.”

“And you are not Thor, my sweet, precious boy. Thor was ready for that a long time ago, but I knew you were not. Why do you think I intruded when Norman laid his hands upon you?”

“You knew?”

“A mother always knows these things.”

“How will I know? How will I know when I am ready for that?”

“You have all the time in the world to be exploring the physical,” Frigga said. “I was much older than you my first time. I’m glad I waited.”

“You are?”

“Oh yes. Your father is a very gentle lover,” she said, and Loki felt like he wanted to throw up.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The attack on Stark Tower did not go as planned Loki mused as he sat in a glass cell. He thought he had accounted for every single thing that could possibly go wrong, but he did not consider for a second that his brother might turn up in the middle of the fight.

He had been on the rooftop, laughing as he blasted everyone who approached him with bolts of magic, when he heard thunder roll across the sky, and gasped as Thor appeared next to him in a flash of lightening.

“Brother! You are alive!” Thor boomed, quickly closing the distance between them.

Loki stood in shock, trying to decide how to defend himself from what was sure to be an attack, but then he was pulled into a hug so tight he worried his spine might snap.

“How did you get here?”

“You are not the only powerful sorcerer, Loki. It was easy enough for them to find the tear between the realms when they knew what they were looking for,” Thor said, releasing him. “And Mother? Is she here with you?”

“Yes, she is.”

“This is excellent news!” Thor said. “Come, we must collect her and get you both back home.”

“We aren’t going back to Asgard.”

“But Asgard is your home, it is where you both belong.”

“This is our home now,” Loki said, and then another wave of SHIELD soldiers poured onto the roof. “Now if you don’t mind, I was in the middle of something quite pressing.”

The soldiers fired their guns at Loki, he cast a spell that deflected the bullets, and half of the soldiers dropped to the ground.

“Stand down! Stand down!” Coulson shouted as he appeared from roof access door. “Thor, I’m going to have to ask you to move away from that man.”

“Why are you attacking my brother, Son of Coul?” Thor shouted.

“You absolute dullard, Thor. They aren’t attacking me. I’m attacking _them_ ,” Loki shouted, as he raised his hands and blasted the guards with a bolt of magic.

And, rather predictably, the battle had ended ten minutes later with Loki on his back and Mjolnir on his chest.

 

 

  
*

  
  
  
“Can I help you Ma’am?” Steve said, when he came across a strangely dressed woman in the lobby of Stark Tower.

“I am looking for the one called Fury,” Frigga said.

“Do you have an appointment?”

“I need no appointments. He will see me now.”

Frigga watched as Steve went to the receptionist, who picked up the phone and spoke into it briefly, then nodded.

Steve walked over to Frigga and said, “Would you like to follow me, Ma’am. I’ll show you right up.”

“Thank you very much.”

  
  
  
“Here we are,” Steve said as they arrived at Fury’s door. “It was lovely to meet you Ma’am, I hope you have a good meeting.”

“You are the one they call Captain America, yes?” Frigga asked.

“Yes, Ma’am I am.”

“So you are a warrior, then. A little low in the ranks for my liking, but it will be adequate. Your handsomeness and your excellent manners make you a fit consort for a member of a royal family.”

“Um… _what_?” Steve asked.

“Do you have writing materials?” she asked, and Steve handed her a pen and paper from the nearest desk. Frigga wrote in beautiful flowing script then handed it to Steve. “Be at this address tonight, at 8pm sharp.”

“What? Why?” Steve asked again.

“I should warn you, I have single-handedly slain Frost Giants in my time and I will have no qualms about the same fate befalling you if you do not accept this invitation.”

“Uh…. I’ll be there…”

“Excellent! Don’t be late. And bring a gift.”

“A gift? What kind of gift?”

“Oh, the usual, flowers, sweet meats, although if you really want to impress I suggest a flagon of goat spittle,” Frigga said with a smile. “Just don’t bring the goat. They are a painful reminder of an unfortunate incident, better left forgotten.”

Steve watched Frigga enter Fury’s office, and then heard footsteps behind him.

“What’s this?” Tony asked, snatching the paper out of Steve’s hand. “Ohhhh an address. And whose address might this be.”

“I’m not sure,” Steve replied, “But I think I might have a date.”

“Rogers! Welcome to the 21st century!” Tony said, slapping him on the back.

“Where do I buy goat spittle?” Steve asked.

 

  
  
  
“Good afternoon,” Frigga said as she entered the room, and Fury stood to greet her.

“Good afternoon, Ma’am,” Fury said, noting what Steve meant when he said someone a ‘little out of place’ was in the lobby. “Please sit, and tell me how can I help you today?”

“I understand that you have taken my son hostage and I wish to negotiate his safe return.”

“Your son?”

“Loki Laufeyson, prince of Asgard, and future ruler of this realm.”

“Ah, you're from Asgard.”

“I am, now please return my son to me, before I am forced to take action against your people.”

“I’m afraid your son is a criminal, and we can’t let him go.”

“My son is no criminal!” Frigga said. “He is royalty. You should be kissing the hem of his robe.”

“He wants to take over and rule our planet. You must see why that would be an issue for us.”

“Why shouldn’t he rule here? It has no ruler at present and you humans are tearing yourselves apart with petty wars. When Loki is king war will end, inequality will end, and there will be peace. Loki was born and raised to be a king, he deserves this realm.”

Fury stared at her for a moment, picked up his phone, and said, “Send him in.”

Frigga smiled, and when the door opened, instead of Loki, Thor stepped into the room.

“Mother!” Thor shouted, crossing the room quickly, and hugging her. “I am so happy to see you!”

“Thor,” Frigga cooed. “It is good to see you. How is your father?”

“He is well, but he grieves for you, and for Loki.”

“And now you may return and tell him we are fine,” she said, as she patted his arm.

“You are not returning to Asgard?” Thor asked, his voice full of hurt and confusion.

“No. Loki and I are making a new home for ourselves now.”

“But-”

“No buts, Thor. We are staying here,” She said, putting her finger to Thor's lips, then she turned to Fury and said, “I’d like to see Loki now.”

“Take her down to the cells,” Fury said.

“Thank you,” Frigga said, as she rose from her chair.

“Thank you, Fury,” Thor said as he directed his mother to the door, then Frigga paused.

“You are very handsome by the way, and I do like a man with an eye patch,” she said, with a glint in her eye. “I gave our address to your Captain America. If you ever feel like some fun, you know where I am.”

“Mother!” Thor said.

“Oh darling, you sound just like Loki,” she replied, and left the room.

 

  
  
  
“Why will you not return to Asgard?” Thor asked as they walked down the corridor.

“My place is here now, with Loki. He needs me.”

“I _need_ you too.”

“Oh, Thor,” she said, pausing their walk so she could turn to face him. “You are my son, but Loki is my _child_. He needs his mother. You are a man now, and Asgard is where you belong, but you know how they view Loki there. They think him weak, and strange, and he was terribly unhappy.”

“I did not know Loki was unhappy,” Thor said. “If I had, I would have done something to help him.”

“And therein lies the problem. Your brother was crying out for our love and attention, and none of us noticed.”

“Is Loki happy here?”

“I think he is. He has made new friends, and one of them is a sorcerer, so they do not judge him for using magic to win battles.”

“That is good,” Thor said. He was glad Loki had new friends, but at the same time he felt jealous of the men he had not even met, who now got to enjoy his brothers company, while he did not. “Come, I will take you to him.”

 

  
  
  
“Hello, brother,” Loki said, not even raising his head to look up when they entered the room.

“Hello, Loki. Are they treating you well?”

“Oh yes, brother,” Loki snarled. “My cage is most incredibly luxurious, thank you. I have a hard, uncomfortable bench to lie upon and a latrine to use in full view of everyone. Why, it’s like a home from home.”

“Make no mistake, I do not enjoy seeing you caged, brother, but you hurt many people.”

“And what is to become of me?” Loki asked. “Will I remain here for the rest of my never ending life? Surely even you must see the cruelty in that.”

“Perhaps it would be best to return to Asgard, my son,” Frigga said. “The all father's justice will be swift, and harsh, but it would not be endless.”

Loki looked at her for a moment, then he noticed something in her demeanour, and said, “ _Yesss_ , I think I would be better served by justice in Asgard.”

“If I let you out you give your word that you will accompany me back to Asgard?”

“I swear on mothers life.”

“Very well,” Thor said, then he smashed Mjolnir against the seal on the door, until it popped open and Loki stepped out from the cell.

“You did not lie to me did you Loki?”

“Of course not,” he replied, then wrapped his arm around his mother’s waist, and extended a hand to Thor. “Hold on to me.”

Thor took his brothers hand, and felt the air around them begin to shimmer. He felt disorientated as the room morphed out of existence around them, then a rushing sensation, and the bifrost appeared before them.

Loki let go of Thor’s hand, but kept his arm around his mother’s waist, and Thor knew what was about to happen.

“Brother, you swore on our mothers life.”

“I promised I would accompany you back to Asgard,” Loki said. “I did not promise you I would I stay.”

The last sound Thor heard, as Loki teleported away, and sealed the rift behind them so no one would be able to follow them back to Midgard, was the sound of his mother giggling and saying, “Oh Loki, you are so clever.”

  
  
  
*

  
  
  
“We are having a dinner guest tonight,” Frigga announced when they arrived back at the hotel, “So if you will excuse me, I must begin to prepare the meal.”

“A guest?” Loki asked. “And who might that be?”

“Just a friend, darling,” Frigga said, walking out of the room and leaving Loki to watch the Disney channel.

  
  
  
Steve arrived at 8 on the dot, partly to satisfy his own curiosity about who exactly he was supposed to be meeting, and was greeted by Frigga at the door.

“Captain, darling. You made it,” she said, as she took his coat, “And don’t you look handsome tonight.”

“Thank you, Ma’am, but you can call me Steve. Captain seems a bit formal."

“Oh lovely Steven, and you may address me as ‘your majesty’” Frigga said, as she directed Steve into the dining room, then shouted, “Darling, dinner is ready and our guest is here.”

As Loki walked into the dining room, two sets of jaws almost hit the floor, and both shouted, “What are you doing here?”

“You do realise this is the one that hit me in the face AND the backside, don’t you mother?” Loki said.

“This is our dinner guest, Loki. Don’t be rude and greet Steven properly,” Frigga said, giving him that stern look which indicated that she should not be crossed.

“Good evening,” Loki said through gritted teeth, as his mother stood and moved to the door.

“Your dinner is on the table, and the door will be locked,” Frigga said, then she pointed at Loki, “And don’t you even dare think of teleporting out young man! You are never to old to have your bottom smacked!”

Loki stared at her, his mouth open, as she slammed the door after her, and a lock clicked heavily.

“I-I am sorry for my mothers behaviour,” Loki said, feeling his cheeks flush with embarrassment.

“It’s OK,” Steve said, wondering just how the hell he got himself into this situation. He looked over at the table laden with delicious looking food, and his stomach rumbled in response. “Since we’re here should we maybe grab a bite to eat? It’d be a shame to let this spread go to waste when she’s obviously made so much effort.”

“That would be agreeable.”

“Oh by the way… your mother suggested that I should bring you a flagon of goat spittle as a present,” Steve said, and Loki’s eyes lit up, “But I couldn’t find any so I brought these instead.”

He held out an expensive looking gold box that was wrapped in a silk ribbon, which Loki took gently, then carefully untied the bow. The box was filled with luxury hand made chocolates, each one delicately decorated in different styles.

“What a thoughtful gift, Captain,” Loki said.

“You can call me Steve.”

“Thank you, Steve. These are lovely,” Loki said, feeling a little choked with emotion at being given such delightful present, and then he asked, expectantly, “Perhaps we can share them after dinner?”

“I’d love to,” Steve said, with a smile.

 

  
  
When Steve left to head back to Stark Tower, he was surprised just how enjoyable dinner had been. He had decided to stay for the meal purely for tactical purposes, to gather intel on a dangerous enemy, and had expected Loki to be the same insane, grinning lunatic he had fought in a corridor earlier in the day, but instead he had proved to be thoughtful, charming, exceptionally intelligent, and generally nice to be around. The fact that he was cute didn’t hurt either.

  
  
“How was dinner, my love?” Frigga asked, when Loki emerged from the dining room and joined her by the open fire in the sitting room.

“It was very pleasant,” Loki said. “Steve is a surprisingly amiable companion.”

“Do you think you will see him again?”

“He is going to pay us another visit on Saturday,” Loki said. “He is going to bring his artistic materials. He said he would like to draw my picture. Apparently he is quite the artist.”

“Oh, that’s lovely dear,” Frigga said. “It is nice that you have a new friend, especially such a handsome one.”

“Oh, Mother!” Loki said, feeling himself start to blush.

 

  
  
“Where have you been?” Tony asked Steve when he tried to creep past the kitchen in Stark Tower, on his way to his bedroom.

“Out.”

“Oh, that's _right_... Wasn’t tonight your big date?” Tony said, raising an eyebrow.

“Yes.”

“Spill the details.”

“No, it’s private!” Steve snapped back at him.

“Don’t make me ground you, Rogers. Get in here now and tell me all about it.”

Steve exhaled loudly through his nose, feeling slightly annoyed at the intrusion into his private life, but then entered the kitchen and perched on a stool.

“OK, who was she?”

“Actually it was a he.”

“Interesting… Detail noted and filed away under _‘Shit I wonder if my dad knew about Captain America’_ ”

“If you are just going to make jokes at my expense, I’m going to leave.” Steve said, standing up.

“OK, OK!” Tony said. “Tell me all about it. Who was he?”

“Loki.”

“Loki? Oh MY _GOD_! The crazy guy who broke in here last night and tried to kill us all in our beds, _that_ Loki?”

“One and the same… To be honest though, he didn’t seem that crazy. In fact, he was kinda nice.”

“Nice? He didn’t look nice when he was throwing me through a shop window the other week.”

“Well, he is, once you get to know him… Outside of office hours.”

“Sounds like someone has a _crushhhh_ ,” Tony teased.

“Knock it off,” Steve said, feeling a blush creep up from his collar. “Anyway, I’m seeing him again on Saturday.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’m going to show him some of my drawings. I think he’d make a good subject for a portrait.”

“As long as you aren’t showing him your etchings…”

“Seriously, Tony. Knock it off.”

 

  
  
  
Steve & Loki’s dates became a regular occurrence, they felt at ease in each other’s company, both finding consolation in the fact that here was another person who knew very little about the modern world. Steve was often embarrassed when he didn’t understand references to popular culture, he frequently felt left out of jokes, or was the butt of them when he made a mistake, but in Loki he had found someone as equally confused by present day Earth as he was.

They would spend time watching TV or movies, and researching on the Internet just why the audience in a sit-com had laughed at something that made no sense to either of them, or they would discuss aspects of Earth's more confusing social conventions, and how they had changed since Steve’s time.

One night, as Steve was leaving, he got the sudden urge to kiss Loki. He hadn’t even thought about it beforehand, it just happened, and as he pulled away he suddenly became flustered and embarrassed at what he had done, and feared for a second that Loki might snap his neck.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said. “I just really wanted to do that.”

“No, no don’t apologise. It was nice.” Loki said, smiling shyly.

“I’m not really used to this whole dating thing,” he replied. “I’m sorry if this is all going a little slower that you’re used to.”

“Slower?” Loki asked.

“You seem like the kind of guy who would have people throwing themselves at your feet.”

“I can assure you, Steve, that is not the case.”

“It’s just where I’m from, you spend time getting to know someone before you take things _further_ , and before I became Captain America no one was really interested in getting to know me.”

“Further?” Loki asked, still confused.

“You know, in the bedroom… I’ve never… _you know_ …”

“Oh! Loki said, suddenly understand what Steve was implying. “I have never, _you know_ , either.”

“What? I mean I never because I was scrawny and weak and no one would even give me a second glance, but you’re… you’re… Well, look at you!”

“Yes, well on Asgard I wasn’t exactly considered ‘a catch’ as you would say. The only people who would invite me to bed were those who wanted me for political purposes and I would not allow that.”

“So you don’t mind if we take things slow?”

“No,” Loki said. “I would find that very agreeable.”

Steve smiled, and leaned in to give Loki another chaste kiss, then said, “When will I see you again?”

“I will see you tomorrow.”

“What time?” Steve asked.

“Hmmm probably around 1pm.”

“Where?”

“Why, just follow the sound of the screaming, Captain,” Loki said, with a glint in his eye, then he went inside and closed the door, leaving Steve standing bemused in the hallway.

  
  
  
*

  
  
  
Loki’s latest plan to kill The Avengers, or at least some of them, not Steve, Steve was too pretty to harm, had failed when neither the Green Goblin nor Magneto had bothered to show up.

He had brought all the dinosaurs in the natural History Museum to life and sent them running through the streets, snarling at civilians, and then when The Avengers had arrived Iron Man had reduced Doom almost to tears with a quip about his precious destroyed robots, and he had ran off back to Latveria without even saying goodbye.

Upon finding himself abandoned and alone on the battlefield, Loki had dropped his spell and let the dinosaurs collapse into piles of bones, then teleported himself back to the hotel, and fell into his mothers waiting arms.

 

 

“This fighting in the streets is beneath you,” Frigga said imperiously, as she stroked Loki’s hair, “And your associates are less than adequate. We would be just as well to fight without them.”

“So what shall I do?”

“Perhaps we should try a different tactic. Perhaps we should start small,” Frigga said. “I believe traditionally on Midgard, if you can defeat a king, you can take over their kingdom. You can rule one country first, we shall use it as a base to take over the whole realm soon after.”

“They have other kings here besides Doom?”

“I’m not sure about other kings,” Frigga replied, “But I know of a queen.”


	3. Chapter 3

“Come out and fight me!” Loki shouted from the back of his magnificent, armoured, black horse, after he teleported just inside the gates of Buckingham Palace.

Police guards wielding machine guns immediately surrounded him, and then soldiers with rifles approached.

“My goodness, your helmets are very fine,” Loki said, as the soldiers wearing 2-foot tall black fur hats drew near. “Not as fine as mine obviously, but when I rule this land you will be allowed to keep them.”

“Get down off the horse NOW!” one of the cops shouted.

“Bring me the queen. I wish to defeat her on the field of battle.”

“This is your last warning! Get down off the horse NOW!”

“How rude,” Loki said. “I see you are pointing weapons at me.”

He waved his hand, and the guns turned into rats, falling from the men's hands and scurrying around their shoes as they looked on in horror.

“Now do be a dear and tell the queen I wish to meet with her,” Loki said threateningly as he leaned down from his horse.

 

 

 

15 minutes later a rather terrified looking civil servant trotted out across the gravel courtyard, to where Loki sat upon his horse.

“Er… Good afternoon, Sir,” the man said. “I am Mister Reid, I am an assistant to the Queen. Can I ask your name please?”

“My name is Loki Odi-” He paused a moment, sat up tall in his saddle and proclaimed, “My name is Loki Laufeyson, prince of Asgard and Jotunheim, and future ruler of this realm.”

“Do you have an appointment with her majesty today?”

“I am a god. I need no appointments.”

“I'm sorry Mr Laufeyson, sir, but the queen does not meet anyone without an appointment.”

“Absolutely ridiculous,” Loki said. “Bring her out at once. I wish to challenge her to a duel.”

“I'm sorry sir, but the queen does not accept offers of duels”

“What kind of ruler does not fight?” Loki asked, in disbelief.

“Her role is purely a ceremonial one.”

“Well then, bring her here immediately. I wish to negotiate her surrender.”

“I'm afraid we do not negotiate with terrorists, sir.”

“You think me a terrorist?” Loki scoffed. “I arrive to challenge her to a duel, in an honourable, and I might add, legal fashion, and I am treated like this? This country needs to be taught some manners.”

“I'm sorry, sir,” he said, “But we can't agree to duel today. Perhaps you could try another country.”

“Tell me,” Loki said, leaning down. “Do you know of another country that has a king who I might defeat?”

“I suggest you try looking at Wikipedia, sir.”

“Thank you very much. I bid you good day, sir,” Loki said, and then he promptly vanished.

He reappeared 30 minutes to later, to turn Mr Reid into a bunny, when he couldn't find Wikipedia on a map.

 

  
  
  
Loki opened his newly liberated laptop, which had 'Property of Clint Barton. Open at your peril' scrawled across the lid in sharpie pen, hacked the password of the hotel wireless and looked up a list of monarchies, while his mother paced the floor behind him.

“There aren't many, once we've discounted the countries with terrible national anthems,” Loki said, after an hour of fruitless searching.

“Tell me them.”

“Brunei?”

“Too hot.”

“Swaziland?”

“It rains too much during the summer.”

“Qatar?”

“You would boil alive. All of these places are far too hot for your delicate constitution, my little lamb.”

“What is this one?” Loki asked. “Where is Vatican city?”

“Oh, far too small for your plans, darling. No, we shall have to press on. England it is.”

  
  
  
*

  
  
  
Loki exercised his powers of mind control well. He got the queen to announce live on TV that she was abdicating in favour of the wonderful Loki Laufeyson, who would obviously make a far better ruler than her, as his helmet was superior to her crown.

The army could do nothing, since Loki was technically their boss, and when Parliament kicked up a fuss, saying it was unconstitutional, and the queen could not name a successor, but instead the throne must pass to the next in line, Loki had simply entered their minds and forced them to pass a new law.

After the old queen had moved out, Loki teleported himself, and his mother, to Buckingham Palace, and they settled into their new home, looking forward to the next day when Loki truly would become ruler of the UK.

 

  
  
It was to be a grand occasion. Loki was to address the House of Commons. He hadn't bothered using any mind control powers, he just told them he wanted to, and threatened to banish anyone who stood in his way, and his unusual request had been allowed.

Loki stood before them, their new king, and all the MPs had gathered to hear his first address.

“I hereby dissolve parliament,” Loki said.

“What?” The Prime Minster exclaimed.

“Are you deaf?” Loki asked. “You're all fired. Go home.”

“You can't do that! You haven't even been crowned yet.”

“I'm the king. I can do what I want,” Loki said, then raised his hand and turned the Prime Minister into a slimy toad. He tilted his head, admiring his handiwork, and said, “That form really suits you.”

"Does anyone else care to defy me?" Loki asked, and when there was no response except screaming he moved to the head of the chamber and sat in the exceedingly grand oak and green leather throne. It was a comfortable spot to watch the panic that surrounded him as the MPs attempted to flee.

“You, you in the wig,” Loki said, waving at the speaker of the house. “Call everyone on the Privy Council. Tell them they're fired too. Oh and then call Scotland. Tell them devolution is off.”

“Y-y-yes, your majesty, ” the speaker stuttered, scared he too would be turned into a toad if he didn't comply.

“Then get me the governor of the bank of England. I want all the money reprinted with my image on it. And the stamps too.”

  
  
  
  
  
*

  
  
  
  
“Where is the former queen?” Mr Reid nervously asked, at his first official meeting with Loki, after he had been turned back into his human form, to help with the mounds of paperwork.

“Banished.”

“And the rest of the royal family?”

“Banished.”

“Have you banished anyone else?”

“The former prime minister, and his annoying lackeys.”

“Where have they been banished to?”

“The queen and her family are in Asgard. I assumed the climate would be agreeable to them. I do not wish my predecessor to suffer.”

“And the Prime minister and the cabinet, your majesty?”

“They are in Nifleheim. I'm sure Hel will find them most entertaining playthings.”

“I see… Are you planning on banishing anyone else?”

“Anyone who annoys me,” Loki said, “And people who are cruel to horses.”

“Very well, your majesty.”

“I read that I now own all of the Mute Swans in this country now? Is that true?”

“Yes, your majesty.”

“Excellent,” Loki said. “Bring me one. It will make a fine bird for tonight's feast in my mother's honour.”

“You can't eat a swan, sir!" Reid exclaimed. "That simply would not do!”

“Well, what about the Ravens at the tower of London?”

“You can't eat those either,” Reid said. “Legend states that if the Ravens leave, and I suppose eating them would constitute leaving, then the monarchy will fall.”

“It's a little bit late for that, don't you think?” Loki asked.

“Um… perhaps we should move onto more important business… We need to discuss the line of succession.”

“Oh, you don't need to worry about that,” Loki said, with a smile. “I will still be alive when your great-great grandchildren are cold in the ground and long forgotten about.”

Reid paused for a moment, imagining his cold, dead great-great grandchildren, and then he said, “Yes… but nevertheless we still need to name an heir if you have any children.”

“I do, I have a son,” Loki said. “Sleipnir is in Asgard. Should I bring him here?”

“It might be nice for the people to meet their prince.”

“Excellent,” Loki said. “Tell the grooms to prepare the finest stable in the palace to accommodate him. I will steal him from father tomorrow, when they come back from their morning hack.”

Reid sat, not quite believing what he heard. It sounded a lot like the first in line to the throne, and possible future king of the United Kingdom, might be a horse, which could possibly make Trooping The Colour a bit more difficult. “Is there any more business you would like to discuss, sir?”

“Yes,” Loki said. “We need a new national anthem. You cannot sing _God Save The King_. I am a god. It sounds a little strange. Why should I save myself?”

“I'll find a song writer straight away, sir.”

“Bring me those twin boys with the pointy blond hair that I liked on the television yesterday.”

“Jedward, sir?”

“Yes, those ones,” Loki said. “I wish them to write me a new anthem.”

“As you wish, your highness,” Reid said, wishing he were still a rabbit.

 

  
  
  
  
“How can I make the people love me, mother? Have you seen the headline on this newspaper?” Loki said holding up a copy of The Sun, which said “Off with his head!” in big black letters next to a poorly rendered photoshop of Loki being decapitated.

“We must find out what the people love,” Frigga said. “If you can make the masses love you, everyone else will follow suit.”

The next day Loki removed all taxes from cigarettes, alcohol and petrol, banned speed cameras and wheel clamping, added 6 extra bank holidays to the calendar, and announced that anyone who was evicted from the Big Brother house before the final would be banished.

Two days later he held up a copy of The Sun Newspaper with the headline “Welcome, King Loki!” emblazoned across its cover and said, “This is much better.”

“Yes, dear. It's heart-warming to see how the people love you so,” Frigga said, “but now is the time you must appear before your glorious nation and give them a rousing a speech, a call to arms, if you will. You must hold your coronation quickly, and make it the greatest spectacle the world has ever seen. The people must get to know you, and know you will not let them down like their leaders in the past have.”

“That is an excellent idea mother,” Loki said. “I shall get Mr Reid to organise it at once.”

 

  
  
A national holiday was decreed, one summer Friday afternoon, and after his coronation King Loki would address his people from the balcony of Buckingham palace. The whole event would be televised, and big screens would be placed in public parks across the land, so the whole nation could share this joyous occasion together.

8000 people crammed into Westminster Abbey to witness the state occasion. Representatives from over 100 nations and territories were invited, and all declined, until they privately received cryptic emails from an untraceable source that implied upsetting King Loki would result in them taking a little trip to another realm that they probably wouldn't like.

After the 3 hour long ceremony, it was time for the procession, and Loki marvelled as he rode in a carriage, accompanied by his mother, at the vast crowds who lined the route to wave at him.

  
  
  
“Are you ready, my darling?” Frigga asked, as she straightened Loki's hair, and tucked it behind his ears, as he waited for the signal to give his speech.

“I am fine mother, thank you.”

“You will make a great and wise king, Loki,” she said, resting her hands against his cheeks. “Now go and show them that.”

“We are ready for you, your majesty,” Mr Reid said.

Loki nodded to him, and the doors were opened. Loki stepped out onto the balcony to deafening cheers. He stood for a moment, waving regally, then his mother joined him on the balcony as jet fighters flew in a diamond formation overhead, with green smoke trailing in their wake.

He motioned for quiet and then stepped to the microphone to speak.

“People of Britain. I do not use the term GREAT Britain as your country is no longer the great power it once was. I have investigated your history and discovered that you were once a proud, blood thirsty nation, who conquered all who stood in her path, but you have been let down by a succession of weak and feeble rulers. Well, I say NO MORE!”

The crowd cheered, and waved their little plastic flags in celebration. Loki waited for them to calm before speaking again.

“There will be no more kowtowing to the United States, and their rogue elements, or so called super heroes. We shall not blindly follow their lead, we will strike out on a new path towards our future together, and if anyone dares to try and stop us then Britain will rise up and strike them down!”

There were more cheers, and a few cries of “We love you, Loki!” from the crowd.

“I promise you this, if you accept I, Loki Laufeyson, as your ruler, I will ensure that public transport will run on time, that it never rains on weekends, and that when you buy food from a fast food chain it always looks like the picture in the window! I will restore this country to its rightful place as leader of the world. I shall make Britain great again! Now let the festivities begin!”

The crowd cheered as fireworks cracked into the sky, and Jedward bounced onto a stage to sing the new national anthem _‘Loki Rules! (UK! OK!)’_

 

 

 

*

 

  
  
The post coronation celebrations lasted for three full days, and Loki had banished the chief of police, who had attempted to have people arrested for dancing naked in the Victoria fountain, but all too soon it was over, and while Loki was well and truly accepted as the ruler of Britain, he now had to earn the love he had been given.

“What important business do you have for me today, Reid?”

“Well, most pressingly we have a received a communiqué from the United States disputing your position as ruler.”

“Burn it,” Loki said, waving his hand.

“It came as an email, via official channels, sir.”

“Then burn the blessed laptop it was received on, for all I care,” Loki snapped. “In fact, block them. I no longer wish to deal with their negativity.”

Reid stared at him, opened mouthed for a moment, and then continued, “Are there any other matters you would like me to address, your majesty?”

“Yes, I want to you get rid of those silly bicycles that are all round London. They make the place look messy.”

“The Mayor won't be happy, sir.”

“Do you think he would be happier on Nifleheim?” Loki asked, and Reid shook his head. “Tell him he's lucky to still have a job. I only let him stay because I was in need of a court jester, and it's about time he learnt his place. Get rid of the bicycles, and those blessed big C's that are painted on the roads. I want those gone too.”

“I'll get on it straight away, sir.” Reid replied.

  
  
  
  
*

  
  
  
  
“Have you seen this, Loki?” Frigga asked, pointing at a newspaper report of a dead soldier being repatriated from some far off conflict. “Did you know we are at war?”

“War?” Loki asked. “No one has informed me that we are involved in a war.”

“To be all powerful, a good king requires the support of his army,” Frigga said, and Loki nodded. “They may swear loyalty to you, but in order to gain their full support, perhaps you should show your loyalty to them.”

“That is a very good idea.”

“When you prove your worth as a king they will stand by you and defend you to the end.”

“Yes,” Loki said, standing up from his throne. “I must speak to Reid at once.”

 

 

“Why did no one inform me that we are at war?” Loki asked.

“Not as such a war, sir, as maintaining a peace,” Reid replied.

“It sounds like a war if my warriors are being sent home dead and injured,” Loki said. “I will not stand for this. I must go there at once.”

“It's not safe, your majesty.”

“You think there is one in this realm who could hurt me?” Loki said, raising an eyebrow.

“No your majesty, no!” he said quickly, “But a fire fight is not the place for a sovereign.”

“Oh! We fight with fire? How excellent! I shall prepare to join my army at once.”

“No sir, the army fights with guns, but really, you shouldn't worry yourself with this, let the generals sort it out.”

“What kind of King does not lead his own army into battle?” Loki asked, and Reid shoulders slumped.

 

  
  
Loki spent a month living on a dusty army base in the middle of a desert, leaving his mother to rule over the UK in his stead. He went out on patrols, and defused roadside devices with a wave of his hand. He deflected missiles so they exploded harmlessly in the sky, and he cast spells that enchanted the base, ensuring that nothing bad could ever happen to the people within it's walls. If anyone did manage to hurt one of his men, Loki would strike back at them, and them wipe them out, and soon the enemy began to fear them.

In return for the care he showed for his warriors, the soldiers treated him with respect and awe, and every one of them swore their allegiance to their new king.


	4. Chapter 4

“What are we going to do about the Loki situation?” Fury asked, as The Avengers sat round a large table in the conference room.

“What can we do? Technically he is legally the king now and-” Tony said, then was cut off when Fury slammed his hand down on the table.

“You know _damn_ well he did it with trickery or some kind of mind whammy,” Fury shouted.

“We know that yeah, but aren't we on shaky territory, legally, if we take on the sovereign head of another country?”

“You know him better than anyone,” Fury said, turning to Steve. “What do you think?”

“I-I don't know,” Steve said.

“You don't know?” Fury snapped. “You fought Hitler in World War 2 and you don't know what to do about a dictator?”

“Apart from a few banishings, has he really done anything... bad?” Steve said, shrugging his shoulders.

“Bad?” Fury asked, moving closer. “The Queen of England has been dethroned and is currently living in Asgard. The Prime Minster is a toad in what, by all accounts, is hell.”

“I've heard Asgard is a real nice place.”

“Nice place? NICE PLACE?” Fury shouted. “Go put your suit on, you're going to London.”

 

 

The quinjet touched down on the grass to the side of Buckingham palace and sent leaves and dust blowing at the hoards of tourists who waited outside it's fences, all desperate for a glimpse of the new king. The Avengers exited the craft, and assembled on the lawn.

“Come out, come out, wherever you are,” Tony said, and Steve glared at him.

“Do you think we need to go knock on the gates?” Clint asked.

“I'm pretty sure he knows we're here,” Natasha said, and then there was a flash of green light as Loki appeared before them in full armour and his helmet, and the sight took Steve's breath away.

Ordinarily Loki would have opened his mouth and said something intimidating and laughed like a maniac, but for the first few minutes he was too busy signing autographs, and posing for photos with the people who ran up to him.

“Ladies and gentleman,” Loki said, holding his hands up. “Can I please ask you all to move back to a safe distance while I deal with these invaders. Please feel free to take photos and video and post it online as soon as possible. Send them to my official twitter account so I can retweet the best, later.”

When Loki was satisfied the public were suitably far away he turned to the Avengers and said, “Good afternoon. You have invaded my country. I'm going to ask you politely to leave. I will ask only once, this is your only opportunity to depart without incident.”

“This isn't your country,” Natasha shouted.

“I warn you, if you attack me, I will defend myself.”

“We didn't come looking for a fight,” Steve said. “We came to ask you to leave, peacefully.”

“Good Captain, you must know that I cannot do that. My people love me. They want me to rule them.”

“Only because you put some brain altering spell on them,” Tony said.

“I have no need for tricks, Tin Man,” Loki said. “In fact just yesterday I received official requests to help the governments of several countries, who all want to come under my protection. The British Empire is reforming, and soon half the world will be mine.”

“That can't be possible,” Tony said, sceptically.

“I am the sovereign head of Canada. If I wished I could dismiss the Governor General and rule it myself,” Loki threatened, then he smirked and said, “Wouldn't that be nice? I'd be right next door, and I'd have the entire Canadian army at my disposal, since as King of the UK, I am their Commander-in-Chief.”

Loki raised his hand, and the Avengers prepared for attack, but then he just smiled, and clicked his fingers.

There was a green flash and an Apache helicopter appeared in the sky, followed by another, then another, and they trained their guns on the Avengers. Loki snapped his fingers again and Challenger 2 tanks began to appear on the lawn, one final snap and several hundred soldiers, all with machines guns, appeared behind him. They quickly moved forward, surrounding Loki, and preparing to shield him from the trespassers.

“Er… Why are the army pointing their weapons at us?” Clint asked. “They should be aiming at him.”

“They have sworn their loyalty to me now,” Loki said.

“Yeah, cuz you tricked them.”

“Oh no, Hawkeye, there are no shenanigans,” Loki said, his lips curling up into a smirk. “Those who give respect and loyalty are given it back. My army have sworn to defend me to the death, because I offer them the same promise in return, and might I warn you that any act of aggression against me will be seen as an act of war. I will have no other choice than to use my nuclear weapons against anyone who threatens me, or their country of origin, and we wouldn't want that now, would we?”

“You wouldn't do that,” Steve said.

“Would you care to test me?” Loki said, raising an eyebrow.

Tony looked round. They were surrounded on all sides, there were civilians everywhere, and they were in serious danger of starting a war, so he told a lie. “Guys, I just received a transmission. We have orders to head to the US Embassy. Fury wants us there now.”

“Yes, yes, run along,” Loki said. “You wouldn't want to keep him waiting.”

As they walked away Loki grinned, then sent a thought into Steve's head that rang out as clearly as if the words were spoken out loud.

_“I will find you tonight. I wish to continue our liaison.”_

But when Steve turned to question him, Loki was already 50 yards away, being carried triumphantly through the crowd on the shoulders of his men.

 

 

*

  
  
  
Steve had considered telling the others about Loki promising to visit him, but decided against it. Sure, Loki was a tyrannical, despotic ruler of a stolen kingdom, and what he was doing went against everything Steve believed in, but he had really missed him, despite all that.

He missed Loki's laugh, his occasionally strange ways, and the stolen kisses they shared. They hadn't got very much further than that before Loki had left, they had spent hours kissing, and occasionally one of them had been so bold as to touch a little skin, but they were enjoying the leisurely pace of their growing relationship, and neither felt the need to rush it.

Steve was surprisingly nervous as he waited, sat on his bed, still in his uniform, simply because he didn't have any other clothes with him. He would have to sleep naked tonight, which didn't appeal to him a great deal, but at least the room was warm.

“Good evening,” Loki said, as he appeared in the room.

“Hi,” Steve said, not really knowing what to say. Loki was a king now, regardless of Steve's opinion, and he wondered just how much it had changed him.

“Are you going to sit there staring at me like a goldfish or are you going to kiss me?” Loki asked.

“Am I allowed to?” Steve asked. “It's not every day you get asked to kiss the king of England.”

“Of course you are allowed,” Loki said, then he smirked and said, “Just as long as you call me 'your majesty' in bed.”

“Not 'your royal highness'?” Steve asked, and Loki snickered. “How about 'my lord'?”

“Technically incorrect,” Loki said wagging a finger, as he moved forward and put his hands on Steve's shoulders. “How shall I address you?”

“I guess I'll be 'your loyal subject.'”

Loki straddled Steve's thighs, sat on his knees and said, “I prefer 'your obedient servant.'”

“Oh really?” Steve asked, with a sly smile creeping across his face. “You think I'm going to obey you?”

“Oh yes,” Loki said, and pushed Steve back on the bed.

 

 

 

“Who would have known someone elses hand would be so much better than your own?” Loki asked as he lay in Steve's bed. “We should do that very much more often.”

“For once, I agree with you,” Steve said, still feeling slightly overwhelmed.

“That is the first time I have allowed anyone to touch me there, and now I'm wondering why I waited so long. Can we do it again?”

“Give me a few minutes.”

“Some super soldier you are,” Loki said, then he raised the sheet slightly and said, “Look, look. I am ready again.”

“What the hell?” Steve said. “How did you manage that so fast?”

“You forget that I am a god. I have the stamina to match. I'm rather surprised that you do not.”

“Maybe I'm holding out.”

“It seems a little late for that, after what we have just done.”

“You weren't very nice to me today.”

“You were wearing the flag of a foreign nation and you were invading my territory. You expect me not to respond?”

“You said you were going to take over Canada.”

“That was just a little joke, Captain,” Loki said. “You think that the love of the 62 million people in my United Kingdom is not enough for me?”

“They don't love you, not really,” Steve said, desperately wanting to add the words _“Not like I do”_ onto the end of his sentence, but then he lost his nerve.

Loki's mouth was drawn into a tight line, he looked away for a moment, and then said, “I think you should leave.”

“But this is my room.”

“Get out of my country!” Loki hissed at him, and there was a flash of light.

When Steve opened his eyes he was laying, naked, in the lobby of Stark Tower, while a rather bemused cleaner buffed the floor around him.

 

 

  
Loki dressed, then teleported himself home and sulked around the palace, sighing loudly, and wringing his hands together, hoping someone would notice.

“Are you well, my petal?” Frigga asked. “You seem distressed.”

“Steve doesn't like me anymore.”

“Oh darling, come and give your mother a hug,” Frigga said, holding her arms out wide. Loki moved over to her, and gratefully accepted her embrace.

“Have I done the wrong thing, mother?” he asked. “Is ruling this country such a terrible thing to do?”

“Absolutely not, Loki. You are a good boy, and a fine king who cares only for his subjects, and if he can't see that then he is a fool.”

“I do care for them. I want them to love me.”

“They _do_ love you.”

“Steve said that they do not.”

“Don't you listen to him, my precious flower,” Frigga said, pulling back and grasping Loki's shoulders. “He knows nothing of what it takes to run a kingdom. Your subjects love you.”

“Thank you, mother.”

“I have some freshly baked Cherry pie in the kitchen,” Frigga said. “Would you like some?”

“I-I think pie would be nice.”

“Everything is better after pie,” she said with a smile, as she wiped his cheeks.

 

 

*

 

  
  
Steve watched the news for the next few weeks, paying special attention to information from the UK, and grabbing any reports SHIELD sent through. He was terrified intelligence would filter through that Loki was secretly beheading people in the gardens, but every single thing said the same thing; the UK was improving in every way.

The rapidly emptying North Sea gas fields had suddenly and inexplicably refilled, and a brand new oil field had been discovered in British waters, which was rather strange as most people claimed it wasn't there before, and it happened the very same day that an oil field under Kuwait suddenly, and unexpectedly, ran dry.

Loki had discovered a new, and completely safe way to increase productivity on the nations power plants ten fold, which meant cheap electricity for all, and enough left over to sell to neighbours for a high price.

The UK started a comprehensive rebuilding programme next, repairing roads, refurbishing dilapidated homes so they could be rented at low cost, and demolishing old, dirty factories and replacing them with clean, efficient manufacturing plants that provided jobs for thousands.

Everyone agreed, the UK economy was booming under Loki's control. They were one of the only countries that wasn't still in the grip of a deep recession, unemployment was at an all time low, crime figures fell dramatically, the public reported that they were happier than they ever had been in living memory, and everyone loved their king.

Fury was still gunning for Loki, wanted him deposed, but received notice that nothing was to be done as yet, simply because the UK was heavily investing a lot of its new found wealth in US companies, and this was having a startling effect on their economy too. Plus there was that big scandal, where a newspaper had hacked an official email account, and discovered that the former queen, who was currently exiled in Asgard, had left Prince Philip, ran off with Odin, and was reportedly having the time of her life...

  
  
“I want you to go over to the UK and keep an eye on things,” Fury said to Steve in a private meeting.

“Me, sir?”

“Well, for some reason he seems to like you. You would have access to places we could never get,” Fury said, and Steve stifled a laugh. “Call it a continuation of the Anglo-American 'special relationship', if you will.”

“I'll be honest, sir,” Steve said. “I'm not entirely sure I'm in his good books right now. He might not even speak to me.”

“Well, you better find a way, because you're going to London tonight.”

 

 

 

*

  
  
  
The American embassy had requested a meeting with Loki, and Steve nervously paced as he waited.

“What are you doing here?” Loki asked, as soon as he entered the room. “Have you come back to upset me further?”

“No, _your majesty_ ,” Steve said, and Loki eyed him warily. “I've come to apologise for upsetting you.”

“It's a little late for that don't you think?”

“I was wrong,” Steve said. “I don't support your methods, and I don't agree with what you've done, but I can't deny that you've done it pretty well. I shouldn't have said they don't love you, and I'm really sorry.”

“Thank you,” Loki said stiffly.

“I brought you a present,” Steve said, holding out a small box, tied with a bow.

“What is this?” Loki asked, taking it.

“Why don't you open it and see?”

Loki ripped the packaging open, and revealed a small glass jar half filled with a slightly viscous liquid.

“It's all I could get,” Steve said, pulling down his shirt cuffs to cover the goat bite mark shaped bruises on his arms.

“Oh Captain, what a lovely gift. I am truly touched,” Loki said, as he opened the jar and sniffed the contents. “It is 100% pure. A very rare, and highly prized, commodity.”

“Please tell me sorcerers don't use it to create monsters.”

“Of course not, no, good Captain!” Loki said, smiling widely. “We use it to raise the dead.”

 

  
  
Steve's trips to London became a regular thing, and half the time he forgot he was supposed to be gathering intel and keeping an eye on things in the UK. Fury kept asking him to write reports on the knowledge he had gained, but Steve doubted he wanted to know that Loki's one weak spot was the fact that he could be reduced to a giggling heap on the floor by tickling him behind his left knee, or that when his hair got wet it would go curly, or that his favourite food was his mothers chocolate cake, which Steve had to admit, was terrific.

He had nothing to write simply because in all the time he had spent in London, he hadn't seen Loki perform a single evil act, apart from the time he made the Household Cavalry perform the dance to _Life's A Happy Song_ from The Muppets with him the palace gardens, and he seemed to spend most of his time secretly granting the wishes of his subjects.

If someone sent him a tweet inviting him to their children's tea party, he would would do his best to show up. If someone complained about the smell of the chemical plant near their home, he would come up with a spell that would make it smell of flowers. If he saw a story in the paper about a young child being distraught because their cat was missing, he would find the kitty and return it home… and in one case return it to life, before returning it home.

  
  
  
“How are your little jaunts to London going?” Tony asked Steve one morning, as they sat drinking coffee in the kitchen of Stark Tower, and Steve shrugged in response.

“I don't think Fury is too happy with my progress.”

“What exactly did he send you over there to do? Seduce him?”

“Just to keep an eye on things, check he's not doing anything too bad, maybe negotiate for him leave, if I can.”

“Negotiate his pants off, more like.”

“Tony!” Steve exclaimed, and felt a blush start to creep up from under his collar, even though he knew Tony was technically right.

 

  
  
“Good afternoon, Captain,” Frigga said, when Steve joined her in the shade as they watched Loki run round the palace garden, shrieking with laughter, as he played tag with Sleipnir, the Prince of Wales, in the sunshine. “Isn't it a delightful day? Please, join me.”

“It's a gorgeous day, Ma'am, yes,” Steve said, as he sat on the wrought iron garden chair.

“Would you care for cake?” Frigga asked, motioning towards carrot cake that stood on a silver stand on the table between them. “I made it fresh this morning.”

“I'd love some, thank you,” Steve said, and Frigga cut him a generous slice, which she placed on a plate. He took a bite and said, “You make the best cake in the world Ma'am, even better than what my mother used to make.”

“Oh, I'm sure that's not true,” she said with a smile, “All boys should love their mothers cooking the most.”

“My mom did make a pretty mean apple pie,” Steve replied, with a smile. “She died not long after I graduated high school.”

“Ooooh, so sad, a boy growing up without his mother,” she said, placing her hand on her chest and sounding genuinely saddened. “You know, I saw a lovely film last week where a nice young man said _'A boy's best friend is his mother'_ and I just though that is _so_ true.”

Steve almost choked on his cake when he recognised where the quote was from, and then said, “At least Loki has you.”

Frigga sighed, and then she said, “I hate to think what would have become of Loki if he had fallen alone, feeling as unloved and alone as he did. I fear he would have become twisted and bitter, and all this would have ended in tragedy and destruction.”

“Steve!” Loki shouted across the lawn. “Come play with us!”

“I'll just finish my cake, then I'll be right there,” Steve shouted back, and then he laughed as Sleipnir trotted up behind Loki with a hosepipe in his mouth and soaked him.

“I know it must be very strange for you Midgardians, to have someone take over a kingdom,” Frigga said, “But let me assure you that is the way it is done in the rest of the realms. Even among the lowest creatures here on Midgard, the Bees for example, it is considered natural for the strongest to rule, even if they have to defeat the previous ruler, but you humans do not do that, and you are very unusual. Do not let that get in the way of what you have together, you are a good match.”

“He's not going to try to take over the rest of the planet is he?”

“I think Loki is quite happy with what he has,” Frigga replied, then she giggled and said, “Although if things carry on as they are, I suspect he might be invited to rule the rest of this realm.”

“Steve!” Loki shouted again. He was holding the hosepipe, drenched from head to food with his hair curling wildly and his thin black tunic clinging to his body. He held the hose pipe up and said, “Don't make squirt you where you sit. I doubt my mother would be happy with you.”

Steve turned to Frigga and said, “If you'll excuse me, Ma'am,”

“You are excused,” she replied, with a gentle smile. “Now go and enjoy your play time. And Loki don't be rough!”

“I am being good, mother!” Loki shouted back, and then he turned and squirted Sleipnir in the face with the hosepipe at point blank range.

 

  
  
They had been sent upstairs to get dried and changed before dinner, but what was supposed to be a quick shower, had ended up with both of them in the same bath, before falling into bed.

“How does it feel to deflower a king?” Loki asked, his hair still damp and wavy.

“Are you sure you're fully deflowered?” Steve asked.

“I think the second time might have done the trick yes,” Loki replied with grin.

“So you don't need a third round, just to make sure?”

“Oh, I never said that,” Loki said pulling Steve into his arms again. “You know, you are spending so much time here now we should get you a new name and costume.”

“I can't be Captain America anymore?” Steve asked, as he nuzzled the soft skin of Loki's neck.

“Not unless you are willing to be subjugated,” Loki said with a laugh. "I'll sit on the throne with you lounging at my feet."

“Maybe I could be Captain Switzerland? That way I'd always be neutral.”

“What about Captain Britain?” Loki asked, excitedly. “You could be Captain Britain!”

“I think that name's already taken.”

“Oh, what a shame.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> 
> 
>  
> 
> This fic was heavily influenced by the time I spent [running round London on holiday with my Loki action figure](http://lulamadison.tumblr.com/post/19755140805/loki-does-london) taking photos of him in front of Buckingham palace and various other landmarks (The strange looks I got can not be described, but it was brilliant!)
> 
> Also, if you didn't know, the 'lovely film' the quote "A boy's best friend is his mother" is from is Psycho ;-)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cover for "A Boy’s Best Friend… by LulaMadison"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6194350) by [PeggyStarkk (LupusUlulans)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LupusUlulans/pseuds/PeggyStarkk)




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